Of regrets and bucket lists

Frankie of the beautiful blue eyes sang ‘regrets, I have a few, but then again…too few to mention‘. I can mention quite a few of my own, names mostly – not so many deeds. If I remember correctly.  I have mostly tried to do good things and not too many bad. People, well…let’s not go there. But yes, I have made quite a lot of mistakes during my 52 plus years and will, like President Obama, now consign them to the ‘fu*kit list‘. Where they can stew together in peace and leave my overworked mind alone. PS. Wish life had an ‘undo‘ button for those few unbelievably stupid acts.

What I can mention however, and will dedicate today to, are bucket lists. I am not totally sure when or by whom the phrase was coined, but the 2007 movie with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson showed a good example of a bucket list. Very long and very involved, but good. As they said, it is never too late to make a fool of yourself so aim high. By the way, it obviously helps to have a rich friend if you have expensive things on your list like skydiving, visiting the wonders of the world and living large.

I know that I will die alone as I have lived, chances are that I will die without ever having experienced true love or true happiness. Things which are on my bucket list then are like most things, surely just impossible dreams. They are so simple but yet so unattainable.

1. Go to Jamaica and

2. Find true love and happiness.

Not necessarily in that order, any sequence is fine.

Too much to ask? My fate in this life has surely been up to now – to find out what true unhappiness is. I can write a book about my unhappy life, maybe I should, but it would be way too depressing. I don’t want to be smothered by pity and grief on my death bed, which will surely not happen. I want to go out with a whisper in a corner somewhere, not a bang or blaze of glory and most people won’t even realize that I am gone. That’s fine. I do not live to be missed. My cats will miss me though, of that I am sure.

(I have always thought that to quietly walk into a warm ocean at dusk, slowly fall asleep surrounded by dolphins and fishes and never come back out – would be the best for me. That is my plan.)

The ancient Egyptians apparently believed that when you got to the afterlife, two questions would be asked of you and your answers will mean entry into nirvana or a big door closed in your face. The first question is : have you found joy in your life? The second one : has your life brought joy to others?

Now my answer to the first question will have to go something like this. ‘I don’t think I know what real joy means, Please explain.‘ I can see the door closing swiftly. My answer to the second question will most probably be ‘ Can we include animals or is it only about humans? I may have helped animals find joy in living by helping them when they were in danger. Humans, well I guess I have made a few people laugh and feel better by being relatively funny and helpful. Was that joy? Still need that definition. PS. If there are no animals in there behind that door I am not interested anyway.’ Slam.

The definition of joy is apparently a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. Synonyms for joy are delight, great pleasure, joyfulness, jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, happiness, gladness, glee, exhilaration, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, ecstasy, rapture. Some of these terms describe the feelings after a good lovemaking session, a wonderfully tasty plate of food or a good spliff. Maybe that is why most people overeat or do drugs. I don’t think short term joy however can be worth long term pain and terrible after effects.

The closest I have come to any of those feelings was when I was dancing (innocently I must add) barefoot in an underground parking garage with other students, way back in the eighties. Yes, that was joyful for me. Euphoric even. I have always loved dancing but never had a dancing partner to take it further. Pity.

A lot of women say that their wedding day was their most joyful day, or the birth of their child. My experiences in those though were marred by various factors which we won’t go into now. Suffice it to say that they were both very anti-climactic and unhappy occasions for me. Looking back, so were most important milestones in my life. Sad but true. I can never get those back, ever.

There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is evidently an emotional state of well-being defined by positive feelings ranging from contentment to intense joy. Sounds the same to me though. So to be found worthy we need that all important feeling of great pleasure. What can we do to be happy or joyful? My first reaction would be to say ‘fu*k knows‘.

When you think about it, really, it means doing what makes you happy. Not what makes others happy. But if you get happy from seeing others happy it can work for the benefit of all. So do good when you can, help others when you can, most importantly do no harm and live a life of not necessitating the killing of anyone else (most definitely including animals and all living beings) in order for you to live. So, use no-cruelty products, for goodness sake don’t eat meat and seriously give thought to living a fully vegan lifestyle. It is the best way. Evolve…

I wish that people would desist from all the inane posturing we have going on daily around us by narcissistic women and macho men, and realize that the only sure thing when you are born is that you are going to die. Fact. As simple as that. It is not important how pretty you are, how many photographs of yourself you can publish or how much money you have access to. Really. Rubbing others faces in your egotistical nature, good fortune or privilege has never been acceptable.

What you do with your life between the points of birth and death – which are not under your control – matters though. You are born into a time and place not of your choosing and die at a time and place not of your choosing, except if you are very very lucky and can make that decision yourself. You do have a choice to a certain degree how you live your adult years though, after you are able to leave the parental home/influence – so make conscious choices to do the best with what resources you are given. The best for YOU. Make yourself happy, nobody else will. Don’t strive to make people proud of you, chances are they don’t care. If you do good in this life you have the chance of a better reincarnation.

Lastly, to my great love, somewhere out there in the cosmos, I wish I met you before I was dead. Maybe we will meet next time.

To the heavens, if stars really are little holes in the floor of heaven won’t it be too bright in there?

Love and light, I’m off to snuggle my cats.





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