On life and love…

At the ripe old age of half a century and 2 years, I think that I have earned some insight into the subjects of life and love. Life, I will never fully understand why we do it and love, well…nobody ever really can understand fully, can they? We live because we have to and we love without understanding why. We don’t know why it comes and mostly don’t understand why it goes or changes direction. It’s a fickle, chemical thing, not a conscious thing. We can’t just point at someone and say, ‘I’m going to love you and you are going to love me’. Not even if you are the last two remaining people on earth will that work.There are no rules or guarantees in love, nor in life for that matter. To live a life without love is fairly pointless though but what do you do when it never comes your way? Later.

Some wise person told me years ago that you need at least 20 minutes per day to keep a relationship alive, whether familial or romantic love oriented. That means you can in fact with the minimum effort from your side still keep feelings alive in your ‘relationship partner’ even if you don’t really care about them anymore. But that is cheating. When you do care, I can assure you that 20 minutes will be the maximum time you would want to spend away from your partner, much less the minimum in communication with them. If you really love someone you would need to hear their voice constantly – I am not talking about clingy phone calls or messages when the other is at work, that is very offensive, but put aside smoke breaks, bathroom breaks or lunch breaks to get in a quick chat, text or email. With the easy technology nowadays you have no excuse. ‘My battery was flat‘ or ‘I lost my phone‘, well, if you fall for that you are stupid!! Really? Your computer mysteriously broke too, you forgot how to send email, all the land lines were down, you lost your address book, were hit on the head, the florists were all closed, post office off-line and you suffer from amnesia? Yeah right. Ha.

When it gets to the stage of ‘I didn’t have time to call or text you today as I was very busy’  you should accept your losses and move on. It sounds harsh but believe me, if a person (or you if you do that) can’t take 20 minutes from their extraordinarily busy day (a day has 1440 minutes) to communicate with their partner in some manner, your relationship is OVER or non-existent. Rather spend your time and effort on someone you actually WANT and LIKE to talk to, like to be with, like to know what is happening in their lives, want to know how they think and feel. Want to be interrupted by, go home to, want to be with at the end of the day, drink a glass of wine and watch the sun go down with. Be very careful though of smothering, it is not attractive. If your partner makes it clear that one call, text or email a day is enough, stick to it. But make that one count. Or better, don’t get involved with cold, unaffectionate people if you are the affectionate, caring kind. Don’t think that you can change them, they will hate you for trying to. People don’t change. We are made a certain way.

One very important thing I have learnt the extremely hard way – if you feel that you have to ‘fight’ for someone’s affections, don’t! For goodness sake. If they cared about you in the proper way, you would not have to. Let them go immediately please, ‘If you love them set them free, if they come back to you and you want them back it’s fine but  don’t stop them from leaving’. Change your locks and passwords straightaway! It is embarrassing, degrading, unpleasant and unattractive to refuse to let someone go. Nobody has respect for those who beg or grovel for their love. If anyone wants you to do that to be worthy of them, kick their asses, show them the finger and walk away with your self intact. Don’t ruin your life surrounding yourself with uncaring individuals. Close those books, throw them away and never think of them again. Never look back. If a relationship failed once it will fail again. Don’t pine for lost loves, they got lost for a reason. Rather be secure in yourself but alone, than insecure in a shaky relationship just for the sake of society.

I used to miss certain individuals who I crossed paths and shared bodily fluids with, until I realized that there were always good reasons for the relationships to dissolve. Not enough chemistry, differences in what we wanted from life, differences where we were in life (status), convenient relationships just for the sake of having a partner, cheating bastards who would always cheat no matter what even if it was with me at that stage, loneliness, rebound relationships – whatever. Make sure you want the same things from the relationship before you start. Draw up a list on your first date, yes, why not. It will give you something to do in those awkward moments between ‘so tell me about yourself‘ and ‘what is your star sign?’. Show each other the answers simultaneously. Ask yourselves – why are we here? If the answer  is whatever – for a quick sexual encounter, for a free meal, for companionship, as long as the answers are the same or similar – have fun. If they are not, pay for your own food and drink and go home separately. You will save a load of heartache that way. Honesty is always the best policy, the truth will set you free.

What then when nobody loves this new straight-forward you, or want to love you without scruples? You look for love outside of your species, yes, you turn to the only unconditional love in the world, that which comes from an animal. You become ‘the crazy cat lady’ – insert dog, bird, horse, monkey, bunny or other animal in place of cat – and you know what? Those ladies are not crazy, we are very clever. Animals never disappoint, they love you whether you are fat or thin, rich or poor, ugly or beautiful – they love you even if you don’t look after them as you should.  But don’t do that, love them as much as possible, take care of them as well as you can and your heart will be always full. We all need love to survive, but nobody can say that it must be human love. Human love is utterly fallible and totally overrated. From someone who knows…there are no happily ever afters.

Love and light

Inia

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